Friday, August 7, 2009

Sex. You Know You Want It ;)

I can honestly say that there was a point in my life when I wasn't so sure I did. I was a good girl. I waited to have sex until I was married. I went into it completely blind. I had the basic mechanics figured out in my brain, but absolutely no nuance or idea about how my own body worked. My first time was awful. It hurt. I was scared. And when I asked for a break the next morning, I was guilted into giving in and having sex again. And it hurt. Again. And I was scared. Again. That set the pattern for my married sex life. He asked. I looked for excuses to avoid it. He guilted me. I gave in.

Thankfully, I finally discovered orgasms, and I learned to enjoy sex once I was guilted into it. But I can honestly say that there was only a brief period in my married sex life where I actually craved sex. And you guessed it, that was the period in which he wasn't that interested. And while we're at it, he also happened to most enjoy the sex positions that hurt me the most. Had I craved sex before I was married? Yep. You betcha. But it's funny what fear and guilt can do to a sex drive.

So when I left my ex, I really didn't expect sex to be something I'd want. I was petrified to have sex again. I was afraid of it being another control battle. Of not being able to say no without lots of pouting and accusations.

I was pleasantly surprised. It turns out, I did still have a sex drive. But what to do with it? I sure as hell wasn't going back to my ex. The thought of having sex with him still weirds me out (even though I admittedly still care for him in other ways). So for awhile, I just took matters into my own hands. And while we know this works, it's hardly ideal. But I also wasn't willing to go out and sleep with whoever. I had had such a bad experience with sex the first time around that I figured it was probably a bad idea to find some dude off the street and fuck him. Who knows what kind of psycho I might have ended up in bed with?

Fast forward to my current sexual partner (who wants to remain anonymous on the internets, so no names). Because of his wish for anonymity, I'm going to try to explain this situation without giving details about how/where we met. Suffice it to say we met in a safe social situation. I wasn't really looking for anyone at the time. So to hear him tell it, he had to work hard to get my attention. But he eventually succeeded. We started talking a lot, going out for lunch, watching movies together. And yet, I was still scared. I wanted sex, but not badly enough to have another bad experience. And I certainly didn't want to get into another committed relationship.

Did I mention we talked a lot? We did. And over the course of a few months, we talked about sex, relationships, relationships gone bad (turns out we'd both had one) and what we wanted from each other. It turns out neither of us wanted to settle down. In fact, both of us are fiercely terrified of it. He doesn't want to be in Idaho Falls forever, and I just don't want to feel tied down and owned like I did in my marriage. So we reached an agreement. No expectations. Every day we spent together would be a mutual choice. If the other one needed a break for any reason, we would know that it wasn't a comment on our adequacy. We would not involve my children.

And even still, jaded me wasn't quite ready to have sex. Even though my body was. Finally, slowly, I began to trust this guy. I knew he wasn't a permanent fixture, but I knew that for the time being, he was a sincere fixture. He wasn't going to be dishonest with me. He wasn't going to pressure me (cause he still hadn't up to this point). We were getting physical, but he was reading my signals and backing off when I wanted him to. Finally, I gave the go ahead. But not until I was ready. And you know what? It turns out that some guys will stop when you tell them to. But that's only happened a couple times ;-) Because guess what, I haven't wanted to stop. I actually enjoy sex even before I start now. I want it now. It's fun now.

So now that you know more about me than you EVER WANTED TO, let me get to my point. Marriage isn't the only way to express our sexuality. In some cases, it's not even the ideal way. Not all of us fit into the category of people who want nothing more out of life than to get married and settle down. Some of us value our independence. Some of us don't feel that a marriage certificate changes our decades long commitment. Some of us aren't interested in decades long commitments but are interested in enjoying partners for the moment and then moving on when one or the other partner's needs change, some of us may be okay with open relationships, and some of us may have different ideas about how our relationships will work. But as long as those ideas are fleshed out openly, honestly and entered into consensually, they're all viable.

And lastly, let me say this. I'm not expecting for this current relationship to end painlessly. I'm not in love with this guy. But I do care about him. He has become a very good friend. And when he goes, I'll be sad. But I know from experience now that I'll move on. That there will be other good guys and maybe eventually a good guy that I'll decide is worth keeping. In the mean time, I know now what I should be able to expect from a sexual relationship. Indeed, from a relationship period--respect and honesty.

16 comments:

Chandelle said...

Wow, awesome post. We'll have to discuss this one in person - next week!

angryyoungwoman said...

Congratulations, Lessie. When sex is fun it can be pretty fun. I'm glad that your bad experiences didn't ruin your sex life forever.

Nemesis said...

Wow. Your post points to the fact that we don't give our young people enough information for them to use, to take into the situation (marriage bed?) when most of them will have sex for the first time.

And we don't make it easy for them to find ways to deal with it afterwards, either. If we weren't such a prudish society you'd have discussed this with HIM (hubby) first, then friends/family if needed, and both of you would have had the opportunity to have such a different experience all along.

But it's interesting to know, the Lessie that out TMI-s even me, still exists! ;-) bless you for that!

djinn said...

This is pretty kick-ass. That is all. Wish I was more like you. Ah well....

G said...

I've tried several times now to formulate a good comment for this post, but like chandelle... I'm gonna have to wait till I see you in person. TOMORROW. :)

Lessie said...

Chandelle, AYW, and Galen, I'm so excited to be seeing you guys :D I would love to talk about sex!

Djinn, thank you! I'm blushing, because I think you are totally kick ass! I've found myself thinking several times, "I wish I were more like her..."

Lessie said...

Nemesis, I'm glad I keep you on your toes :P Actually, I guess I TMI because I know what it's like to feel alone in some of these issues, and I don't want other people to have to go through what I went through. So I just keep talking, hoping to reach people and help out (how that explains the other TMI post you're referencing is... escaping me. But oh well).

As to the rest of your comment, yes. I absolutely wish I'd known more about sex before I became sexually active.

I think educating young people is essential. For the record, I did try to talk to my ex-husband about these things. I began to educate myself about sex and would tell him the things I was learning. Unfortunately, I think sex was too much about control and power for him, so it was like talking to a fence post.

While he understands more now that I've left him, he still looked at me as his "property". I was his. He was entitled to sex because that's what I was for. So it was beyond him that I might not want it every single time he did. The unfortunate thing is that if he'd have laid off and let me say no, I think he'd have been surprised at how much more willing my participation would have been. As it was, sex was usually a tense point in our house. It was almost always a battle.

Vajra said...

Lessie, you are an awesome woman! Courageous and fascinating. Love you. BTW, how did your garden grow?

Lessie said...

Vajra, thank you :) And while my basement wasn't conducive to the indoor bulbs, my square foot garden is coming along relatively well for a first attempt :)

Vajra said...

Drat! Iwanted those bulbs to bloom!

Anonymous said...

How can I get in on this casual sex?

Bee said...

Thanks for talking about this so entirely openly. It was only once I let go of all my old ideas about how to govern my sexuality that I actually was able to figure out who I was in that department. I'm glad I did, it's given me another part of me femininity and soul that makes me feel more complete.

Lessie said...

Bee, do I know you? Do you happen to post at another, more popular mo-blog *coughexponetiicough*? ;)

Either way, Welcome! And thanks for stopping by.

It is amazing how once you begin to define your sexuality for yourself, you become a more confident, whole person, huh?

Bee said...

coughyescough.

We also ate lunch together at Sunstone! I'm trying to be a bit more anonymous lately...


Excellently written blog! Let me know if you want an invite to mine, I had to go private after all that drama.

Lessie said...

Yes! I'd love an invite to your blog. I was sad when I stalked your profile to see that I couldn't visit any more.

simply.honest said...

"Some of us aren't interested in decades long commitments but are interested in enjoying partners for the moment and then moving on when one or the other partner's needs change,"

Well i wouldn't disagree that the blog was pretty sexually active, but it was quite a bold task!! considering the above lines in quotes, i surely agree with you, having in mind that has been the case with me, but its difficult to make the other person understand. Also if you let her know this at 1st, chances of her agreeing are smaller than a pen's tip.
What do you think should be the solution>?? ;)