Thursday, September 11, 2008

Morbid Relief

I think one of the things I've been struggling with the most since my mom died is the sense of relief I feel at not having to hide my unbelief from her. I am too well aware that I will never be seeing my mother again. So what is wrong with me that such an idea brings me relief? Am I also feeling pain? Yes. But right now, there has been a sense of rest for me at not having to feel like she's always around the corner waiting to catch me with some words of spiritual inquiry. When I'm on the phone with my dad, I can talk freely--cuss words, blasphemes and all. I can gripe and complain about how much Mormonism screwed me over and not worry about my mother's feelings being hurt or her judgment being incurred.

And yet, for all my issues with my mother, she is still the first person I think to call when one of my boys does something adorable. When I'm upset with something that happened at work, I still think about calling my mom for a good gripe session when I get home. She was my major connection to my family in Oklahoma. She always made sure to tell me who was doing what and when. She kept me posted on my aged and ailing grandparents, my crazy uncles and cousins and the members of the Mormon branch that I still love. My dad would rather have a root canal than talk to me about makeup or clothes shopping. He couldn't care less about breakouts or shaving nicks. My mom had a definite niche in my life, and it hurts to have that empty.

I'm so torn between the relief I feel right now and the pain that comes when it hits me that she is not there. She is not on vacation. She is not at a doctor's appointment. She is not visiting her parents. If I call and she is not home, it is because she is dead. And I feel bad to feel relieved over such a permanent situation. I wanted resolution with my mother, but not in this form.


angryyoungwoman said...

I'm so sorry, Lessie. I wish I could offer any kind of comfort, but I know that words are empty in times like these. I can only offer my sympathy, and I do with all my heart. I hope things get better for you.

G said...

I'm thinking of you... wishing you all power and assistance in coping with these conflicting feelings.

djinn said...

My mother never accepted my disbelief. In spite of the fact that she lived with it for 25 years, and never really got to know my children after a certain age (they refused to visit--didn't care much for the constant, almost though not quite subtle proselyting.) I still was so sad when she passed away, that I thought I would die of grief. No resolution. I wish you all the best, whatever that is.