Sunday, October 12, 2008

Faith in Humanity

I woke up pretty damned depressed this morning. I was feeling too keenly how very little control one has over one's life. I was resenting the dependency on others that, try as I may, I could not completely escape. I was also resenting the dependency of others on me. I suppose, as I write this, that a little of that is coming back into play. Part of what wasn't working for me in my marriage were the claims that I felt others had on me that I didn't want to honor. When I left Alistiar, it was in an attempt to show myself that I got to choose who had a claim on me and who didn't. Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that there are a lot of claims that I was making on other people that made my life bearable. And so it was that I woke up jaded and angry that it was necessary to give myself to others in order to be happy.

I moped around all morning, was late for church and close to tears throughout the service (not a whole lot of which I remember, by the way). When people asked me how I was afterward, it was almost impossible for me to keep my voice from breaking. I was miserable. But it was a pot luck Sunday, and so I decided to go ahead and stay (no good post Mormon would refuse free meals :). I sat with an older-than-me couple and we talked about languages and music and I started feeling better.

It was also forum Sunday. On a whim (I do a lot on a whim, it would seem . . .) I decided to stay for that as well. I attend the Unitarian Universalist Church and today's forum was a chance for members to look over their seven principles and decide if they were still relevant, if they were succinct or if they needed some revision. Quite a debate ensued. Each of us in that room had strong opinions about what we thought was important and what we thought needed to be changed. But debate we did. It was fantastic! We philosophized, we jested, we pouted. But we all got heard and we all knew that we were respected nonetheless.

I realized that I do indeed depend on others and that they in turn depend on me. Today I had my faith in that interdependency restored. I saw what could come of it when mutual respect was present. I still want this space that I've created for myself. I do need some time to figure out what kinds of claims I feel comfortable making and allowing. I still feel like we should be careful about the claims we make on other people--I know from first hand experience how damaging those claims can be if we don't keep the other person's needs in mind. But I learned a little gratitude for those who let me into their lives and their communities. I realized that the trade-off is delicate but can also be enriching.

(And now let's have mfranti and G play us a chorus of Kumbaya on their guitars :P, because I have clearly reached my sap limit for the day :)


darlene (doc) said...

I envy you your presence of mind at this young age. When I was your age I was still trying to figure out many things you seem to have a good grasp of already, in your life.

At the risk of sounding trite, you will need the low emotional times in order to have a good appreciation for those things that bring comfort to you, emotionally.

And now, we really DO need that kumbayah, as it's getting a little saccharine here!

I have been toying with attending the services there, again, simply because they satisfy my need for community. I also appreciate Lynn, and I too met a nice elderly couple there the one time I went.

G said...

aw lessie... I'm sorry, I haven't been round consistant internet for a couple of days... do you still want a rendition of kumbaya? I'm game.
(or how maybe you would do a little better with some Rage Against the Machine? Just a thought :)

djinn said...

Here's a song that always lifts my spirits, from way back in my youth:
"Jesus died for someone's sins, not mine."

Patti Smith at 62. Oh she looks so good.

Here's a copy of the original.

djinn said...

One more song: PJ Harvey, Long Snake Moan

Lessie said...

Djinn, I loved the breakup song from the other comment! The link you just posted is actually the same Patti Smith link from the previous comment. Just thought I'd let you know :) But I'd love to hear the PJ Harvey song, so if you don't mind a round two, that'd be great!

djinn said...

Ooopsie. Too many windows open (How's that for an excuse; or if you prefer, we can fall back on simple inconpetence.) PJ is a treasure. Here are some actual PJ Harvey songs for your listening, uh, pleasure? Catharsis?
Rid of Me.

I take whatever I said back, these two songs may be the greatest breakup song evah
50 ft. queenie

djinn said...

I wrote you a comment with a number of PJ Harvey songs, but it appears to have mysteriously vanished into the Ether,

here's one more, Bob Dylan live, Idiot wind.

If you didn't get the pj songs, let me know, and i'll attempt to ineffectually repost. djingenie at gmail, etc.

My husband walked out when I was in the middle of law school, my mom died a few months later; for some reason your story resonates with me. Plus I have the OCD when it comes to music, as you have prob. noticed.