Saturday, December 8, 2007

My Undoing

I'm still incredibly confused. Just when I think I'm okay with my agnosticism, I hear some Christmas music and all the joy, peace, excitement, and comfort in the season come rushing back. I guess I'm still not one hundred percent ready to give up my belief in God, although I still have major issues with concepts of him thus far presented to me.

Quimby, over on fMh, wrote a beautiful piece about the diversity that could have attended Christ's birth. Even though I don't quite know what to do with it, Christmas and the surrounding story still fill me with hope and joy. I think the reason is because I yearn so much for peace and tolerance among the nations, indeed, even among families. I hurt so much for all the pain and suffering that people have to go through. Christ still represents that hoped for unity to me, although I don't know what to do with his divinity, etc.

I read a scheme of ethical development one time that suggested that after a person has discovered relativism, they sometimes eventually return to their original beliefs understanding that they aren't perfect, or even wholly true, and I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now--recognizing the issues involved, but comforted by the goodness that is supposed to come from Christianity. I know Christ wasn't the first one to preach peace, nor the only one to claim Savior status, nor is belief in him necessary to see the imperative of peace, but his is the peace that was taught to me as a child, and it is peace in this context that I still hope for, even if I never make another effort to convert someone to Christianity (which I probably won't), I will probably always see peace through that lens. Now however, I know that Christ isn't jealous, only humanity is, and that whatever God there may be, wants peace more than s/he wants anything else for his/her children.


G said...

that was so beautiful lessie. so hopefull... and so much of what I am grappling with too right now.

(thought I am currently not feeling any Christmas cheer and can't wait for it to be over... but not for theological reasons)

"I know that Christ isn't jealous, only humanity is, and that whatever God there may be, wants peace more than s/he wants anything else for his/her children."


Rich said...

(I love Quimby at FMH -- I can usually totally relate to where she's coming from.)

Who doesn't get teary-eyed with certain music (think for example, Beethoven's ode to joy); there is a definite spiritual aspect to it that eludes analysis.

Kiskilili said...

Thanks for this post. I appreciate your thoughts.

I'm in a somewhat different position from you--I absolutely believe in God, but I tend to think he's a misogynist, and I flat-out refuse to worship a misogynist so I've given up on a relationship with him right now.

But sometimes I hear Christmas music and want to weep. It almost makes me believe there's a possibility I could be religious again.

Lessie said...

Hi Kiskilili, I must admit I'm thrilled to see you here. I read your blog with your sisters off and on and I really enjoy the intellectual discussions.

Anyway, I have definitely wondered if God is a misogynist. I address this in a round about way in my post "Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God". I want very much to believe in God, but like you, refuse to worship the misogynist God I was raised with.

I suppose that the idea of a misogynist God is what led me to question his existence since I'd been assured all my life that he was loving and merciful and viewed his daughters equally. Well, when that view of God was no longer relevant, it led me to wonder if God was really even there. However, I still remain undecided.